The year is 1983. I overhear my mom talking to my 2nd-grade teacher:
“He’s really smart; he just isn’t applying himself. He has a lot of potential.”
I was never diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Why?
- 1983 was only 3 years after the term ADD was introduced to the DSM
- If you weren’t identified as a ‘hyper’ kid, you were fine, just needed to try harder
- I was a nice kid, not a trouble maker, just had ‘trouble working with others’
45 years of un-diagnosed ADHD
Fast forward 35 years later to 2018. I’ve figured out a lot, working at a great tech company, married with two kids, with one major problem: my wife was extremely frustrated with me and our relationship. From her perspective, I wasn’t pulling my weight, and from mine, I was working super hard and nothing was ever good enough for her.
Tension, fighting, just all around bad vibes, man. I thought it was somewhat normal — being married and raising kids is hard, right? All the memes and boomer jokes about the ole battle ax, amirite fellas? I was turning into a jaded old man even though I still thought of myself as that nice kid that just needed to try harder.
Things felt hopeless, and they were just getting worse. We needed help. As both kids of divorced parents, we wanted to do our best to stay together. We finally went to marriage counseling.
During marriage counseling sessions, which were usually pretty tense, a pattern emerged. At some point, the counselor would gently suggest, “Have you thought you might have ADHD?” Our reaction almost every time? A quick knee-jerk, “Haha, no, of course not”. Little did I realize how deeply ingrained my misconceptions about ADHD were. ADHD was just an a made up excuse to drug the more independently and creative kids to make them conform to the system… (There might be some truth to that, but, more on that later)
Diagnosis and Acceptance
I decided to dig deeper and be open-minded, if there was anything I could do to save my relationship, I wanted to know more. I took the recommendation from a psychologist and I received an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist. (They started me on Adderall , which didn’t work, another story). With this newfound ‘official’ diagnosis I found myself diving into Reddit threads, Facebook groups, YouTube channels. My journey of learning and self acceptance had started. A book was suggested to me: The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov. Before I even reached the third chapter, I had a revelation:
“Oh my god, this is like a script of my life… like, exactly.”
The anger, the frustration, the disappointment, the child-parent dynamic that had been created — all way too familiar. At this point, it was absolutely undeniable (to me) that what I was experiencing WAS ADHD!
Enlightenment moment!
- I wasn’t alone!
- I didn’t just need to ‘grow up’
- It wasn’t just that I smoked too much weed and drank too much (self-medicating)
- It’s not just that I was an only child and inherently selfish
- I wasn’t just a hopeless, unfixable asshole
- I was just an asshole with ADHD! 🙂
It took a bit of time, but my marriage actually started improving.
A LOT.
I began to understand the source of her frustrations with me and stopped taking it personally. When ‘fighty’ things started to come up, I could slow down, recognize it for what it is, and de-escalate instead of escalate.
Seems cheesy and cliche, but — it was/is life-changing to take a moment and just not react. When she said stuff like ‘I don’t understand why you would do that!’. I realized that I can just say “yeah, totally, you don’t, I see that.”‘.
“Enlightenment”
The old me would take personally every little bit of criticism or correction as yet more evidence of my lack of caring and love — a fundamental failing of my character inflicting pain on others unintentionally. (Brutal!) New me has compassion for myself, knowing that my brain just works a bit differently — no big deal. It still sucks and it’s frustrating a lot of the time, but at least I know there is a ‘thing.’
If any of this resonates with you and your relationship is feeling a bit rocky and hopeless, I highly suggest looking into it deeper with an open mind and being kind to yourself. There is no ‘magic pill’ to fix it (Even if the doc prescribes you one. I’ll write another post about meds and my experience there). This is a lifelong journey, and it’s not easy. I still battle with the same emotions I did pre-diagnosis/acceptance, but it’s a LOT easier now that I have more tools and knowledge to deal with it. The true healing comes from knowledge, awareness, empathy for your partner, and compassion for yourself. If you are struggling, please trust me;
There is hope!
Leave a Reply